i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
