I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
that may or may not have been my penis.
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