You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Drunk is a universal language darling
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
