We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
