If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
