yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
