when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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