WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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