She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
