The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
