I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
