my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
