She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
