that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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