Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
