Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
