Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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