I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
