this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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