Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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