That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
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I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
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That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.