he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
