My liver just broke up with me...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
