He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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