you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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