My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
