Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
