don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
