My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
