Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
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I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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