she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
