i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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