I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
