That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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