i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize