This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Randomize
