i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
