So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Randomize