bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
