I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
