I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
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It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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