My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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