Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
