Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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