the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
