I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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