I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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