My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
