My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
