my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
