he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
