just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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