Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
