There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
