Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
