in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
