Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ladies don't puke and tell
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
